am sitting on my own….and realise that i have never really been on my own, at any point of my life. i don’t know how it would be. have just gone through a progression in my life…. i wish i had at some point lived on my own- it is a different kind of space and learning about oneself that i would have liked to have had.
Wow – a thought that has perhaps been fermenting in your heart for so many many years. You have no idea (actually soul mate the beauty is that you do) what this means to me. Just a few sentences wrung out from the deep recesses. Us wordsmiths, the seducers of Laila, aware of our own follies are never unaware of the true beauty of gems, my gem.
am back to my solitude. I step forward with you with trepidation at what I’ll discover. Bear with me if i close up sometimes…it is sometimes too difficult to go inside myself. But i know you will wait and stay by me.
I know that you will close sometimes and I know the pain I have given when sometimes reacting to it; but since this morning all anxiety is gone. It takes a while to truly recognize the trust and its anchors; and you know that it has taken some reflection to shed the shadows of my own insecurities. Be with me my darling what you are without art and affectation. And have you not been? Kind and caring, these many long months and have I not been aware of it.
Do you have to go inside yourself? No my darling no. What unfolds before us is not a season of journey to some recesses, fraught with danger and undertaken with trepidation but rather a slow and mature awareness and sharing.
I said no promises and expectations and it would be a homage to the lords of patriarchy to suggest a one sidedness – “look at me, look at me, as I like the fool Bhisham make grand pronouncements”. But this I do promise you, solitude in my company, my gentle hands touching yours, like your touch of two Fridays ago, as you explore what you explore.
You are writing. The pen in your hand is tentative but steady, headed to hitherto unexplored territories buttressed by your brave brave heart. And my blessing, my blessing, is to witness.
Spirit trumps experience, so be alone (with me at your side), you who are my spirit of the destiny of man.
I have stayed away from the topic of Thursday the whole afternoon….keeping my mind on other things. It’s going to be two weeks tomorrow since … – I cannot even imagine that I was ready for something like this.
I can’t say the door was closed – not during the past year of getting to know you – but I had no idea that there was so much more to come.The way you look at me gives me energy, makes me feel warm, coy, sexy all at once. Your words , flowing incessantly, take me places I didn’t even know I wanted to go. I am blessed to have you for the rest of my life.
I am happy to just listen and read your words, words that come from somewhere deep inside. Why worry about Thursday, many will come and many will go. Life is triangulation, its past, its present, and its future. But the energies we generate don’t seem to be of them. Sure, we’ll talk about the past and think about the future, we are still beings cast in the physical world. For me, you helped me see myself, have listened and understood and cared. Really cared.
But you are the fount of my words, my imagination, my grammar, the quickness of my speech, the shape of my words, their tone and tenor, their rhythm, their rhyme.
There is an unrealness to where I am.
There are so many more words but I am in a noisy place and miss your face. I want to see you, to be in your presence and breathe. My oxygen in a world of stale air.
kalpaean 